Pitch black walk

Body feels heavy, breath more spaced, my mind swirl in different directions a chest pain becomes slow and discrete yet cold chills feels through my body. The thoughts of something I love so much might be in trouble, or the realization that I am loosing it right in that moment. The desperation that I feel drops my energy to the top with the desire of do a sudden reaction to finally realize there is nothing much I can do.I implode and the adrenaline turns back against me attacking like a sudden depression and sadness. The way I think that something is gone to never come back again. Slowly my senses come back and my so called logic put me back at easy. With thoughts of promises of not freak out and to remain patience, this is a whole torture that has been repeating itself on my life for the past weeks.What am I supposed to do when I can’t do anything to stop it, yet it keeps coming back to me.Recently I read her blog, with warm and so deep and personal thoughts, I see myself reflected on her confessions from almost 2 years ago. I read with tenderness and remember me  how deep she thinks of me. How can I go back to those days with so much emotions that goes deep and is hard to deny her. I am not saying that she has change, but certainly the situation has turn out to be more difficult to remember us these feelings used to have on us and between us.What happened when I still feel the same yet the environment change so much that turn from a dying light to a pitch black. What are the chances of finding that light back again. I feel like walking blind in this cave trying to find her. I know I will find her and then everything will be ok but I just wonder how long will it take.Yes I trust her, I want to trust her, but at the same time, I don’t trust on things remaining the same, we all change, she is changing right now. I wonder if I will recognize her when I see her again. So far I haven’t give her any reason to doubt me, but I know that is just simply not enough.There is no communication, there is no pictures, voice mails, emails, sms messages, hugs, kisses or sweat and saliva between us anymore. I am in the depth of obscurity, I keep on walking and keep on waiting, but the waves of desperation are hitting harder and they are becoming common. Will I shield within myself and just numb out the feeling?Is it me being insecure or just weak. I am mentally exhausted sometimes, I need to get my mind off it but I can’t still validate it as something better. I am still questioning myself how long should I wait before I act while at the same time wonder what can I do anyway. Never ever have I felt that far away from her, I am starving for her. Maybe I am just exaggerating, this desperation will disappear after a few seconds from listening to her.I still look at her ring on my pinky finger, hoping that she is ok, hoping that she still feels like on her abandoned blog. I will give anything to see this blog narrating what she is going through right now. I will give everything to just be in front of her and love her.